How Does He Treat His Mother?

Before I begin, I want to welcome all my new followers, and to say THANK YOU to all the support, kind words, and friendships I have received over the last 24 hours. I love you all, and I hope you will find strength as we journey together.

It is really hard to decide what to write about next. I just have so much to say.  I left off writing about moving to Big City. I will dive into this subject more in a future post, but my mother-in-law was just as bad, if not worse, with emotionally abusing me (Please remember that my intention is NOT to bash or degrade them. I’m simply trying to convey what happened so others can learn the signs). When we were about 500 miles away from Big City, she called (I’m going to use DVP for domestic violence perpetrator from now on) DVP to tell him that we wouldn’t be able to stay with her for a few days because she was thinking about divorcing her third husband, and didn’t want us around with all the fighting going on. That’s a great first impression for someone you’re about to live with for the foreseeable future (and a warning sign I missed!).

When we did finally move in with her (they didn’t get a divorce), things were okay for a few days. But, I started to see just how dysfunctional DVP’s relationship with his mother was. In normal family relationships, it isn’t uncommon for children to argue with their parents. It happens. Especially in those teen years! However, the arguing that happened between DVP and XMIL (ex-mother-in-law) was far from common. It was EXPLOSIVE. The entire house suffered when they fought. It was a two-way street: He was extremely disrespectful, and she was extremely stubborn (for lack of a better word).

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They would fight over the smallest things, like him playing video games too much (another form of abuse, but more on that later), to debating about politics. I never understood why they would debate so much over politics. They usually shared the same view, but if DVP said anything somewhat different than her beliefs, she’d argue the death out of it, even when what he was saying was almost exactly what she was arguing. The fights would get so bad that he would end up calling her bitch, cunt, and whore (I apologize if I offend anyone, but it needs to be said). Both of them would talk over each other, make silly noises while plugging their ears so they couldn’t hear what the other was saying. She’d tell him things like, “I don’t know how you became so ignorant when I raised you differently”, or “You must get that from your dad”, and “What is WRONG with you?”.

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Her husband also did not like DVP. Because of this, he spoke maybe five words to me the entire five years we lived in Big City. I’m not even kidding. He loved XBIL (ex-brother-in-law) and his then girlfriend. He would buy them things, talk to them (it is sad that I even have to clarify that), watch television with them. But never, ever with me or DVP. XMIL said it was because he can’t stand how DVP treated her and me, but why exclude me? It was like I didn’t exist to him. I would pass by numerous times a day while he watched T.V. to get to the kitchen and I felt like a ghost passing through.

I want you to understand that she wasn’t all bad all the time. She did a lot for me. We had a good relationship for a long time, though I didn’t recognize her abuse until towards the end. She would listen to me sob when DVP hurt me. The most confusing thing though was that she would take my side while listening to me talk about how her son hurt me, and say things like, “I wouldn’t blame you if you left him!”, and then later deny that anything ever happened between me and her son. She would eventually even tell me that I was the one to blame, that I was at least partly to blame for his abuse. I’ll get to that later. But the most infuriating thing was that she would constantly degrade and bash her son to me. When we would be in the “honeymoon phase” of the abuse cycle, I hated hearing what she had to say about him. His mother should not be telling his wife all of these things. She should be confiding in a friend or other relative if she wanted to gripe about him. Sadly, I felt like I had to side with her too, just like I had to side with DVP because of the backlash I would get if I disagreed with her or stood up for him (she was using the same domineering and fear tactics that he was using. More signs).

So why tell you all of this? Well, have you heard the saying, “Watch how he treats his mom, because that’s how he’ll treat you”? It is 100% accurate, and a warning sign of abuse if he treats his mom in any of the ways I described above. Her treatment of him (and me eventually) is just as much of a sign of emotional and verbal abuse as his. Please, please, please, don’t take it lightly. If his family doesn’t get along with each other, or doesn’t get along with your significant other, there is always an underlying reason. Do not dismiss it. And trust your gut! I will say this often, but I mean it. Your intuition is there to save you. Every horrible name he called her, he called me, and worse. The way she would treat him in arguments, he would treat me. I could see it clear as day. When he’d yell or argue at me in those ways, it was as if she was yelling at me. The disrespect he had for her was hard for me to comprehend, and I didn’t understand that I was being disrespected as well.

Please tell me how I can help you! I have a long, long list of topics to write about, and telling you my entire story will take time. If you need to hear about something, let me know. I’m also looking for stories to share of other victim’s abuse for a later post, so if you feel comfortable, please let me know.

Stay safe,

Amanda

 

 

 

 

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18 thoughts on “How Does He Treat His Mother?

  1. You are dead right. Hit the nail on the head with the mom thing. For me it was different. My ex’s mom walked out when he was still very young so he never had a mom figure in his life. But he did have a father and their relationship was terrible. So, maybe it goes both ways, m9m and/or dad (or siblings etc.)?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It absolutely applies to other family members. Most people just compare to their mothers because they are female too. It is a better representation of how he will treat his female wife. But definitely does not exclude relationships with other family members! Abuse is abuse no matter the dynamics in the family.

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  2. You will help so many people!!! It is rare to come across a blog, especially about this subject, that is rational, helpful, and vulnerable. Amanda!! I’m speechless! You are going places! I think you are the perfect advocate, and you are very level-headed and unbiased when you write. I don’t know how you do it! I’m excited to read more, not because I want to make you relive the terrible moments, but because I think it’s so important to be candid, as you are, and reach so many different hearts!!! ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You had me fighting tears, thank you! I am really trying to stay as level-headed as possible because it is absolutely not my intention to harm his family. I just want people to know exactly what happened because it is so tragic. I was close to being killed numerous times, and if I can help someone else survive, I intend to try! I truly appreciate you following me. Thank you again for your comment!

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  3. I had the same experience overlooking the relationship dysfunction with family. I also passed by the red flags. Anyone in this situation please take note and follow Amanda’s advice!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This is definitely something to look out for. I’d say, the person’s relationship with their family in general. My father was abusive towards my mother (they are now divorced) and his father was the same to his mom. You can’t blame all bad behavior on parents. However, our parents are our 1st model for a relationship.

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      1. It was a long time ago so I don’t have many concrete memories of that time. My apologies to you too. I firmly believe even the bad experiences make us stronger and more able to empathize with those around us.

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  5. I agree about how they treat their parents. It’s a great indicator. Some abusers don’t show all the outward signs initially..they get good at hiding it. If you know what to look for though that is so helpful, and trusting your gut is always the right thing to do, even when it flies in the face of what people say and what we’re shown. 🙂

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  6. Thank you for sharing your story. I have heard this warning before but hearing about a personal experience has made me think about it even more. I once dated a guy who was also very disrespectful to his mom and rude too. Needless to say, I had the same treatment directed at me but now I’m wiser.

    Once again, thanks for sharing this. I am truly glad that I found your blog.

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  7. I had always heard “the way a man treats his mama is the way he will treat you.” Unfortunately, Loser (my ex) was the prime exception. He treated his mama with great affection and respect. He refused to admit that she was an abusive drunk and sat there like a stump while she literally bashed me to death. I even asked him once to try to pretend that I was his fucking mama when he was talking to me because he would never talk to her the the way he talked to me.
    When I MADE him tell his mama and daddy that he not only had cheated on me but had given me an incurable STD, SHE made it my fault.
    Later in the “trying to work it out phase” he went to a bar and picked up a tramp…started parading her around the state, taking her to newspaper functions and took her home to meet “mommy.” His mama never once thought to say “don’t you think you should give your wife the divorce she’s been asking for for almost ten years, before you start parading around with another woman? Nope. When Loser betrayed the tramp (with me) his mama was on Facebook, BEGGING her to give him another chance.
    I don’t think I ever realized what a scum family I had married into.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. That family really does sound like scum, I am so sorry you’ve had to experience all of that! It makes my blood boil when I hear of abuse happening to anyone. Abuse is hard enough, but when other family members abuse you as well, it makes it really hard and confusing, and it makes you question if there is something wrong with you, not them. I have experienced abuse from my abuser’s mother as well, although not physical. I am so, so heartbroken that she did that to you. It truly does matter how his family gets along with each other in a marriage. Did you finally get your divorce?

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      1. Yes, my divorce was final last July. Loser was pissed off that I filed (and was granted) for adultery. He tried to get the records sealed so nobody would know. He had been telling people for three years before I filed that we were already divorced so that when he showed up with that tramp, nobody would ask any questions. These were people who had known me for thirty years, so he had to tell them something. One interesting fact….all those years we were married, my mama and daddy never once met his mama and daddy.

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