Put Your Own Oxygen Mask on First

I feel like I can never say “no” to anyone. I must always put my children’s needs ahead of my own. I feel obligated to make my significant other happy first, because if he/she is happy, I am happy. I can get more sleep when I am dead. I do not have time or the means to exercise. I feel guilty for spending too long in the tub/shower. I feel guilty watching Netflix instead of cleaning. I feel guilty for buying something for myself instead of my family.

If you’ve been on an airplane, then you know that the stewardess will tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping your children or the person beside you. If you can’t get oxygen, you’ll die before you’ll be able to help anyone. Seems obvious, right? So why do we have such a hard time applying this in our daily lives? You better listen to every word I say, because you won’t be able to avoid turbulence your whole life. If you listen to me, you’ll be safe when your airplane starts to nosedive… and trust me, I work in aviation for a living, so I know what I’m talking about.

It has been three months since I have posted. I was on a rough patch of turbulence, and I needed the time to really date myself. I learned a lot about self-care and how detrimental it is towards my healing process. I found that writing this blog, as great of an experience as it has been, brings me a lot of depression. It’s hard to reflect on the abuse I’ve survived. However, it is all worth it. I have my oxygen mask on so securely, that I am confident that I’ll be able to help you with yours, so here we go. Don’t panic, it will be okay. I’m going to teach you how to safely ride out the storm.

What do all of the things I listed in the first paragraph have in common? These are typical thoughts of someone who doesn’t do enough self care. What is self care? Self care is taking care of your mind, body, and spirit before all else. You may be thinking that this sounds selfish. I should be taking care of my family, my work responsibilities, household chores, schoolwork etc. before focusing on myself. Um, no. How can you do all these things if you’re depriving yourself of oxygen? You’ll die before you can help others. Remember? Put your mask on first!

I’m not saying you’re going to immediately start helping people with their problems. The whole point of this post is to help you realize how incredibly important taking care of yourself needs to be. If you have a significant other, children, or someone you care for, you will not be able to fully provide for them if you are not providing for yourself.

If you do not have anyone but yourself at the moment, you will have a hard time being happy, living life to the fullest, finding that significant other, being a good friend, coworker, daughter, son, sibling, etc. if you are not taking care of yourself.

Trust me, it took me many months of my counselors telling me to do this before I finally took their counsel, and before I finally saw a change in my life. It takes practice. I’m going to share with you a few things I have done and a few personal insights I have learned along the way.

• Don’t Beat Yourself Up So you had a bad day. You have been working on being positive, and you realized you said a lot of negative things about yourself and about others. You are working on quitting smoking, and you had a cigarette. You are an alcoholic in recovery and you had a drink. You are a survivor of abuse and you miss your abuser. You feel like staying in bed all day. You don’t feel like cooking a healthy dinner and eat a greasy hamburger instead. So what? You are not perfect. There are days where you will slip up. As long as those bad days don’t outweigh the good days, you’re still ahead! There will even be days that you feel like you’ve taken five steps backwards for every one step forward. As long as you don’t give up, you are still making progress.
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• Positive Self-Care Quotes There are so many quotes on self-care on Pinterest (where I’ve got all the cute pictures for this post), and everyday I take at least 15 minutes to find quotes, write them in a journal, and write about how that quote matters to me. It felt like another chore at first, another thing to add to my to-do list. I’ve been doing it at least three times a week for two months now, and not only is it amazing to read my older entries to see how far I’ve come, but I’ve come to realize that reading positive thoughts and really pondering them have really helped my self-esteem. I wrote this one on June 10th, my very first entry:

“One day, I woke up and realized I was not made for anyone. I was made for me. I am my own”

-Unknown

I worry too much about what people think of me, especially at work. I find myself saying things to “fit in”, and when I’m not included in something, I feel bad and question myself. What I like/dislike, speak about/don’t speak about, agree/disagree, how I spend my time, my religion, where I live, none of that truly matters to anyone but me. Who cares what others think? The most important person’s happiness is mine and my daughter’s.

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• Take a Bubble Bath or a Long Shower I am a huge advocate for bubble baths! I was a skeptic at first. They take too much time, and I’ll get bored. I started taking them when I was pregnant. My sweet daughter kept knocking a rib out of place, because I’m short and had hardly anywhere to put her, and my lower back was constantly aching. A bath was the quickest form of temporary relief. The more I did it, however, the more I noticed how calming it was. My abuser created a lot of unnecessary stress, obviously, and I loved the alone time taking a bath gave me. Sadly, though, there were times where he’d barge into the bathroom and yell at me for something while I sat there naked and exposed, trying to relieve the hurt he constantly put me in.

There are many different ways to make your bath time extra special: bath bombs, epsom salt, bath salts, candles, oils, sugar scrubs, and bubble bath soap. I like to take a book or a magazine in with me, and even just play on my phone. I also bought a waterproof pillow specifically made for taking baths. It’s heaven!

Believe it or not, there are actually health benefits to taking baths. I could do a whole post about this, but someone already did the hard work for me! I’ll highlight the best ones , but you should check it out when you have time. Baths reduce stress, reduce joint pain, decrease depression, improve your immune system, increase your metabolism, and aid in reducing insomnia.

• Learn and Practice Saying “No”My mother is a perfect example of someone who serves everyone before herself. She is seriously amazing. She decorates incredible cakes, and doesn’t even charge very many people. It takes her an entire day, sometimes two, and although she loves doing it, it requires a lot of sacrifice. On top of that, she runs my younger siblings around, does cooking, cleaning, shopping, is in the Primary Presidency at church, a member in our state’s choir, and I could go on and on. She hardly has time for herself. She would sacrifice whatever small amount of time she has left to herself to help someone else. When I first left my abuser on the day I gave birth to my daughter, she sacrificed months of her life to help me through the most difficult time of my life. She is the best person I know. My father has tried to tell her, however, that she needs to learn how to say no to people, because she never has time to relax. She has good intentions, but she isn’t taking care of herself. All of the good things she piles on top of each other become just as stressful as things we don’t like doing. Don’t feel guilty for saying no, it’s critical for your self-care.
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• Exercise Walk, lift weights, run, play a sport, swim, whatever it is, get your heart pumping, use those muscles. I know, you don’t have time, exercise isn’t for you, I’m too old, I have an injury, what do I do with my kids? I’ve heard and used all the excuses in the books. BUT, exercise releases that commonly heard of chemical called endorphins. It’s not a load of bull. I promise, it really helps. Not only does it help you feel better, look better, make you stronger, and control weight. According to the University of Michigan, “The Lancet released a series of studies that attribute positive outcomes to physical activity, including ‘a sense of purpose and value, a better quality of life, improved sleep and reduced stress, as well as stronger relationships and social connectedness'”. You should really read this article too.
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• Keep a Journal I can’t stress enough how essential this can be. Journaling is a way to relieve stress. All the things you wish you could say to someone but could never say to their face, write it in your journal! When you feel like no one would understand you, no one wants to listen to your problems, write it in your journal! Sometimes getting a bad day out on paper is what you need to calm down. Not only does it help relieve stress, writing about positive events and experiences is a special way to be grateful for the good things in your life. It’s really neat to go back years from now and read the good and the bad feelings and events that you recorded. By the way, if you despise hand cramps and inky-fingers, online journaling is a thing now too.
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• Read a book or watch a movie Who doesn’t like an excuse to read all day or binge-watch your favorite T.V. show on Netflix? Need another excuse? Reading and watching a story is one of the cheapest, quickest ways to forget about our problems. Doing so helps us escape into the story and the lives of our favorite characters. Want to forget about your problems? Need to focus on someone else’s for two hours? Read a book. Watch a movie. When your spouse gets on you for spending too much time reading or watching Netflix, tell him/her you’re taking care of yourself today. You deserve it.

Below are few other ideas to try, but I’m not going to expand on them:

• enjoy nature
• color, create, enjoy art
• go on a drive
• cook your favorite meal
• eat something “naughty”
• serve others
• volunteer
• be grateful
• be kind
• compliment others
• read this 64 self care ideas from another blogger
• and this 108 self-care ideas from yet another blogger
• Go to my Pinterest Board of a TON of other blogs with self-care tips!
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The more you give yourself clean, healthy oxygen, the more you will be able to withstand any thunderstorm that hits you. Once your mask is on securely, you’ll be able to take care of yourself and others around you. We all have valid reasons for giving up. Life isn’t easy. But life can be so much easier, so much more enjoyable, if you don’t give up.

As always, I’m here for you. Feel free to comment or email me if you need a friend, advice, or a listening ear.

Amanda

 

Falling Back in Love… With Myself

I want to change gears for this post. I posted a lot of heavy stuff this week, and I don’t want this blog to be only about all the negative experiences. My site is called overcoming abuse after all, and today I want to talk about one way we as victims -scratch that- survivors can do this. Even after all I’ve written, I still have a lot of my tragic story left to tell, but let’s get some positive energy flowing today.

Today’s topic goes well with Valentine’s day coming up. I want to focus on love, but not about loving another significant other, or your children. I want you to be a little bit selfish in a way. I want you to focus on yourself. I want you to take the time to get to know yourself. Who are you under all those layers of scars, pain, suffering, trauma, abuse? Who is that person you once were? Who do you want to become? Where are you going? Who are you now?

Those seem like simple questions, right? Uhh… yeah. Not really. It’s extremely hard to figure out after your abuser has spent years making you feel unworthy of self-love, or love of any kind. It is easy to tell yourself that you are incapable of love. It’s easy to feel like no one will ever love you again with all the baggage you carry with you. What do I have to say about that? Leave it at the lost luggage office! You don’t need to pick it up and carry it with you to your next destination, because where you’re going, you’ll be able to get everything you need to start over.

Let’s talk first about what we’ve packed in those suitcases. More accurately, what our abusers packed in our suitcases. One thing I personally keep packing is the feeling that I deserved what happened to me. Truly, there must be something wrong with me. Let’s examine this for a moment. I felt like I deserved every slap, punch, hair pull, choke, pinch, being held down, every object thrown at me, all my personal items destroyed, all the degrading name calling, the crude sexual acts – because he said he loved me. And this is where it gets confusing: I thought I loved him. But, think about it, how could you truly love someone who treated you so awful? Abusers are really good at pretending to love you in the honeymoon cycle of abuse. They are good at pretending to care, to love, to be passionate, thoughtful, romantic, whatever label you want to put on it. Some of you may object-“Wait a minute! If he didn’t love me, why did we get married? Of course he loved/loves me!” In the words of Lundy Bancroft in “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men”, (a book you need to read!) he explains:

“An abusive man often tries to convince his partner that his mistreatment of her is proof of how deeply he cares, but the reality is that abuse is the opposite of love. The more a man abuses you, the more he is demonstrating that he cares only about himself. He may feel a powerful desire to receive your love and caretaking, but he only wants to give love when it’s convenient.

‘So is he lying when he says he loves you? No, usually not. Most of my clients [abusers] do feel a powerful sensation inside that they call love. For many of them it is the only kind of feeling toward a female partner that they have ever had, so they have no way of knowing that is isn’t love. When an abusive man feels the powerful stirring inside that other people call love, he is probably largely feeling:

• The desire to have you devote your life to keeping him happy with no outside interference
• The desire to have sexual access
• The desire to impress others by having you be his partner
• The desire to posses and control you

‘These desires are important aspects of what romantic love means to him. He may well be capable of feeling genuine love for you, but first he will have to dramatically reorient his outlook in order to separate abusive and possessive desires from true caring.

‘Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other’s self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion.”

Recognizing that he truly didn’t love you in a normal, healthy way is hard. But, once you recognize this, you are on your way to loving yourself again. How? First, remind yourself that you are a beautiful person, amazing, loving, caring, educated, accomplished, or determined. Determined that you will not stand for anything less than what you deserve, and that is to be with someone who truly cares about you and your happiness and wellbeing. You deserve to have someone who is basically opposite of your abuser. Your significant other (SO) should help around the house, help with the children, take you out for dinner where you want to go sometimes (there should still always be compromise), maybe rub your feet after a long day, give you his full attention when you sit down to talk, be intimate with you when you feel up to it and respect you when you don’t, have a healthy argument that doesn’t involve abusive tactics AT ALL, try to get along with your family, respect the things that are important to you, etc. I could go on and on, and by no means is this an all inclusive list. The list will be different for everyone.

What’s another item we keep in our luggage? A low-self esteem. Chances are that like me, a low self-esteem is probably why you settled for someone like him in the first place. Abusers are good at telling you that you are stupid, ugly, a whore, cunt, bitch, slut, fat, too skinny, not good enough in bed, hated by your family and friends, alone, messed-up, broken, that he’s the only one who can love you after the things you’ve done in your past, and so much more. If you’ve heard this over and over, day in and day out, it’s easy to start believing it’s the truth. You feel like the only person that you deserve is the man who slaps you across the face. You can put up with that because he is graciously choosing to love you when no one else will. But you are SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS. The more you love yourself, the more you will realize that all of this is absurd.

Write down all of the things you are proud of and like about yourself. This will be hard. I know it. Take that list, no matter how big or small, and hang it on your mirror, or keep it in a safe place if you feel like it will upset your abuser. Look at it daily. Repeat it like a mantra. Add to that list when you think of something else that you love about yourself. There will be days that you feel like ripping that paper up to tiny shreds, and that’s okay. Do it. And then start it over the next day.

Think about who you want to be, not who your abuser wants to be. I want to be a country singer. I want to wear long maxi dresses, not short cocktail dresses all the time. I want to watch Disney movies, not horror or war movies all the time. I want to be a good mother, maybe stay at home with my kids, not be the only source of income while my abuser sits on his butt and does nothing all day. I want to decide where to go to dinner sometimes, not to the same Mexican restaurant. I want to go to my church, not to his every Sunday, and not to stay at home from church just to keep him company when I want to be at worship. I want to visit with my family, and stay as long as I want. What is it that YOU want?

You are not broken. You are not unworthy of love from anyone else. If you desire it, you WILL find someone else. But the first step is to empty that suitcase, leave it at the baggage claim, turn it into the lost baggage office, I don’t care, just don’t take it with you! Get a new bag and fill it with things YOU love. Once you recognize who you are, who you want to be, where you’re going, you will begin to love yourself. You will make it through the hard days, and sometimes you won’t. But, you will love who you are and be less dependent on your abuser. The advice I have been given from others who have been through this is that the best thing they did was to learn to be happy with themselves, independent of having a partner. You don’t need to be with someone to validate your worth. But loving yourself and being happy with who you are can make it possible for you to go forward and find someone you want to love and care for and be able to accept their love and care in return.

I am learning to love myself, and that my friends, is the beginning of a beautiful future.

Until next time,

Amanda